Bakura Goose
by aura kitten
Summary: What happens when Bakura gets his hands on a Mother Goose book and has to read it while the YGO cast acts it out? Total mayhem, perhaps?
1. Jack and Jill

Hello! It is I, aura kitten-za! I've got a life, yah? Yah. Definitely. That life consists of reading, laughing, writing, doing homework, laughing, watching tv, taking care of my cats, laughing, being pessimistic, and laughing...  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh characters, but I do have some duel monster cards. Ya wanna see them? I've got flash assailant, beaver warrior, arsenal robber, toon world, and many more cards. Well not that many, just about seventy...most people have hundreds...I wish I had that many....  
  
Well here's the story:  
  
Chapter 1: Jack and Jill  
  
"Hello, I am Bakura and I'm here to share with you a...what!?" **Bakura glares at the index card in his hands** "You want me to read this?! Dammit! Do I look like mother goose?"  
  
**Ryou rushes onto stage in a hurry** "Shush! Children are watching this show!" he whispers. **clamps a hand over Bakura's mouth while looking at the audience which consists of tiny little grade-school kids** "Sorry for the profanity! The show will continu--**Bakura licks Ryou's hand**Augh! Disgusting!" **rushes off stage wagging sticky, wet hand**  
  
**smiles demonically** "Okay then, good-bye!"  
  
"Damn you! I'll cut that tongue of yours out of your bloody head, if you try that again!" **sees little children gasping O.O** "Excuse my language kids! The show will continue! Don't worry! **glares daggers at Bakura**  
  
"Hey! I'm still getting paid for this right? All right then."  
  
**looks at the children with his best toothy grin** "I'm here to share with you liddle kiddies," **he gives everyone in the audience a sinister smile** **the audience sweat drops O.O()** "A few rhymes by Mother Goose." **laughs with a maniacal edge** "What kind of name is 'Mother Goose'?! Ha-ha-ha!" **bursts into a fit of laughter while audience stares at him getting goosebumps**  
  
The curtain falls, though a dark and demonic laughter can still be heard, echoing, leaving the audience with chills and goosebumps...The laughter soon dies away as the lights dim down..."OW!" "Shush!" "Damn you, Ryou!"  
  
**curtains lift to reveal Yugi and Tea standing next to eachother dressed in strange theatrical garb** Behind them is a huge green mound that takes up the entire stage with a paper-mache well at the top. **Yugi holds an empty bucket in his hands**  
  
Bakura is standing beside the well at the top of the hill-mound thingy, and glaring at the audience with his flaring blood-brown eyes. **clears throat** "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water." **glares at Yugi and Tea** They skip up the hill and Yugi trips over the bucket, (since he's so short!)  
  
"You're not supposed to go 'tumbling down' until Mother Goose says the line!" shouts Tea as she reaches the well and watches Yugi roll downwards.  
  
"Dammit! Call me that again and you'll get it!" He glares meanfully at Tea as he says the next line, "Jack fell down and broke his crown."  
  
"Oh NO! I broke my millennium puzzle!" yells Yugi as he reaches the bottom and sees the disassembled peices of the puzzle scattered around him.  
  
"You're supposed to brake something right? Well then the puzzle could count as your crown then!" shouts Bakura.  
  
"And Jill goes tumbling after." **Bakura looks expectantly at Tea** "Well?"  
  
"I'm not going to tumble down after! This hill looks alive! And I must befriend it so that it won't hurt me when I fall down it!" **she launches into a speech about friendship and why the hill should be her friend...**  
  
"I said 'And Jill came tumbling after' dammit! If I say you're gonna tumble then tumble you will!" says Bakura. **rushes over to Tea's side of the well and pushes her down**  
  
"Noooooooo! I haven't finished telling everyone about friendship-p-p- p...." cries Tea as she falls. She hits the bottom and bounces forward as a trap door opens up in front of her and swallows her up into its darkness.  
  
Bakura glances at the audience and smiles innocently while shoving a "Trap Hole" card into his pocket. "Hm. I wonder what happened to her. Well I think it's time for another rhyme." ____________________________________________  
  
This was a chance for me to try my luck at humor...or something like that. If you all want another chapter, review! Be considerate of my feelings! Flames make me laugh and praise makes my head big. Wait! That doesn't mean I want flamers and no praise...that means...uh...flames burn and praise freezes? No! Flames equal ouchie! And praise equals happy. There. Bye! 


	2. Hey diddle, diddle!

Heya! It's me aura kitten again! Here's chapter 2 for Bakura Goose! I think it's longer than the first chapter. If you have the time, could you read Magic of Mischief and tell me what your opinions are? Or you could ignore that and just read this chapter. Whatever...^_^()... And I use the characters names in the English anime. Like Honda=Tristan. Yuugi=Yugi. Anzu=Tea. Bakura=Ryou. Yami Bakura=Bakura. Malik=Malik. Yami Malik=Yami Malik. And then Yami Yugi=Yami. Or that's how I shall call the characters as. OK?  
  
Disclaimer: Die birdies! DIE!! Those evil, cat food chugging cretins of the sky must die! No! Don't kill the birdies! Take this! And this! And that! **shoves other with a bunch of plushies** What're these for? Too say that I don't own them. Huh? I don't own the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh, and these plushies are what Bakura turned them all into....So here! **showers other with plushies of the Yu-Gi-Oh cast. Oh! Bakura-sama! Speak of the devil, eh? Must resist urge to...annoy! Pwa-ha- ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa! **rushes over to Bakura to annoy him** Okay then...here's the next story!  
  
Chapter 2: Hey Diddle, diddle.  
  
The curtains fell down once more. A large thunking sound could be heard. "Ow!" And then the whoosh of something like a balloon that had its air slowly released could be heard...(that's the hill!)  
  
**Clunk! Thunk! Wham! Jingle! Slam!** And assortment of sounds can be heard.  
  
**Curtains shift and Bakura emerges**  
  
"Ahem! It seems we are having a few minor difficulties. This may take a while," he says. **the curtain bulges and a scream can be heard** "Why you dirty b*st*rd! I'll send you to the shadow realm if you dare touch me! Aack! Where'd my rod go?!"  
  
"I have it you moron!"  
  
"I'll go see what's holding them up, now, shall I?" **Bakura goes back behind the curtain** "Give me that!"  
  
"Ow!"  
  
Klunk!!  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Why don't you!"  
  
Thunk!!  
  
"Okie-dokie, lemon-pokieeeeeeeee..."  
  
**rustle, rustle**  
  
**Bakura re-merges** "Now on with the show! **gives best evably demented glare** Yes. Evably. It's a new word I just made up that means evilly. Don't like it? Too bad! You have no say in what goes on in my head! Waa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!  
  
The curtains lift slowly and steadily. **creakily, creakily, creakily** There is a dark blue sky background with a large whitish globe hanging at the ceiling. The mound is gone...  
  
"Hey diddle, diddle..." **Bakura bursts into laughter** "Ha-ha-ha! This Mother Goose character must have had a screw loose! What kind of word is diddle?! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
**children in audience sweat drop. O.O().** "He's scary..." "He's creepy!" "He's awesome!" **parents and teachers sweat drop. ^.^().** "He's not from the mental asylum across the street is he?" "Hope not." "Be afraid, dear fellows, be very afraid..."  
  
**a shoe is thrown and hits Bakura on the head** "Ow! I think a fly bit me!" **looks at the ground and sees the shoe**  
  
"Shut-up and get on with the rhyme already!" a voice threatens from behind the scenes.  
  
"Ryou? That you?" Bakura started laughing again. "Ryou, you throw like a girl!" He snorted in derision and burst into horrendous laughter. "Okay then."  
  
"And besides, diddle is a real word. It means 1. To waste time. 2. To cheat or swindle. So there."  
  
"You just love to kill the joy in things don't you, Ryou? Well fine then! Ahem! Hey diddle, diddle! The cat and the fiddle."  
  
"Hey! Watch it will ya?!" A figure emerges, or rather, is pushed out from the side. It's Tristan and he's wearing a large cat costume with a huge floppy tail and a headband with cat ears attached. (Gosh, he looks like a doofus! It looks like someone ran him over and then backed up and ran him over again. I wonder who designed the costumes for this play...)  
  
"Whaddo I do with dis?!" he called back.  
  
**Ryou's voice can be heard** "Go play it or something!" he whispered as loudly as he could to Tristan.  
  
**Tristan puts the instrument upside-down on his shoulder and in his hand, with the bow in the other hand.** "Okay then!" **starts dragging the bow across the strings and sings** **Screech!** La-la-laaaaaa! **Screech-screech-screeeeeeech!** "Meow-meow!" **screeeeech-scritch- squeeek!**  
  
"Shut it!" shouted Bakura. **stealthily puts hand behind him.**  
  
**Floor opens up beneath Tristan** "WAAAHH!"  
  
"The cow jumped over the moon," Bakura continued, nonchalantly, acting as if nothing had happened.  
  
**Yami Malik emerges, and he's hooked up to a rope and harness** "Why do I have to be the cow?!" he yells at Bakura in his weird, deep voice, glaring. He was wearing a black and white, polka-dotted costume with a stringy tail swinging back and forth...  
  
"Because," said Bakura, giving him an equally fierce and demented glare. "Your face looks like it got smashed by a cow so you pretty much fit the part in a way."  
  
"Why you!"  
  
"Heave! Ho!" shouted someone from behind the scenes. **Yami Malik lifts off into the air and launched toward the glowing moon-ball hanging from the ceiling.** "Hey!" **Y. Malik crashes into paper mache moon and it collapses, he falls**  
  
"You're supposed to jump over the moon, not into it you moron!" shouted Bakura. "Fine then," he said as he watched Y. Malik fall down the same hole that Tristan had fallen into. "The little dog laughed to see such sport."  
  
**Joey's now pushed onto the stage** "Haa-haaa-haaaa! See ya Malik!" He's wearing the doggy costume again. Heh-heh.... "Ha-ha-ha-haaa!"  
  
"And the dish ran away with the spoon."  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
"I said, 'And the dish ran away with the spoon!' If I have to say that line, one more time..."  
  
**Duke and Joey's sister, Serenity, come dashing across the stage in weird gray flopping costumes**  
  
"Oh no you don't!" shouts Tristan as he climbs out of the Trap Hole, possibly by climbing up on Y. Maliks head like a step ladder..."Ow!"  
  
"Uh-oh!" says Duke. Then to Serenity, "Uh...come on Serenity, let's get outta here!"  
  
*Joey stops laughing** "Hey! Watcha think yer doin' wit my siste?!"  
  
"Oh, hi Joey," says Serenity.  
  
"Run!" shouts Duke as he grabs hold of Serenity's hand and starts running away from the angered brother and friend.  
  
**Ryou rushes onto the stage** "Er...we have to fetch those cast members. Sorry, but the show will continue after a few...er...changes, have been made."  
  
**curtain falls** Wham! "And I do not throw like a girl!" Wham! Wham! Wham!  
  
"You think hitting me with that rubber mallet hurts? Well think again weakling!"  
  
"Monster!"  
  
"Pathetic Mortal!"  
  
"Old fart!" ____________________________________________________ Huh. Well that's the end of chappie 2! Read and Review peoples of the world! Please! Now! Do as I command! Er...say! A-heh-heh...bye! R&R! I'll have to do some thinking for chapter 3, if you review, flames okay too, I may update more frequently...BUT! If you're gonna flame, be nice about! Don't be rude with the caps lock and the profanity. Use big words to confuse me if ya like, but I have quite an extensive vocabulary. What does "extensive" mean? Oh well...it has something to do with large... And thanks to my reviewers: Carmen5-Nemrac, Heather, ShikariHunter, animecrazy2, Somnia Lustre, Magic-Rox-Girl, and Helbaworshipper. Thank-you mah fine and divine reviewing sublime! 


	3. Old Mother Hubbard

It's chapter 3!!!! It's a strange chapter if ya ask me...heh-heh.... Since it is now spring break, I shall be working on my fanfics and stuff more!!  
  
Disclaimer: I doughnut own Yu-Gi-Oh. See? What a wonderful disclaimer, eh?  
  
Chapter 3: Old Mother Hubbard  
  
**curtains fall down** "Hello everyone!" says a cheerful Ryou, as he crawls out from the curtains. "We are having minor difficulties, but we will proceed! I will be reading the next rhyme or so, since our main host is currently, er...indisposed of at the moment."  
  
**yelling can be heard from behind the curtains** "Get this thing off me! This white cloth is constricting my arms!"  
  
"Well duh! It is a straight jacket after all!"  
  
"Do I look crazy?!"  
  
"Do you really want me to answer that?"  
  
**Ryou pokes his head back into the curtains** "Could you be a bit quieter? I'm trying to introduce the next rhyme," he whispered.  
  
**Bakura's screams can be heard** "Get this thing offa meeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Have you found the syringe yet?" Ryou asks to someone behind the curtain.  
  
"Not yet...ah! Here it is!"  
  
"What are you doing with that!?!"  
  
"Hold still Bakura!"  
  
"AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
**Ryou re-emerges** "The next rhyme is one that I'm sure we're all familiar with."  
  
**curtains lift** "Damn you all," said Seto Kaiba coldly, glaring at Ryou and then the rest of the audience. He wore a fluffy, powdery, gray wig and a pair of spectacles lay balanced on his nose. He wore a lacy pink night gown with flower embroidery with a matching pink cap. He even wore pink bunny slippers! "Damn blackmail..." he muttered under his breath.  
  
And beside him on the floor sat Joey. Dressed in his doggy costume and a gianct red collar. "Damn you too," said Seto to Joey.  
  
"Why you!"  
  
"Dogs should be seen, not heard! Down mutt!" **Seto steps aside as Joey lunges at him** "Bark dog!" **Joey growls and jumps at Seto and starts biting his arm** "Augh! Dog slobber! This is a designer, uh, gown! You're contaminating it, mutt!"  
  
"Who ya callin' a mutt?!"  
  
"Ahem!" said Ryou, gazing back at the bickering duo. "On with the rhyme now. Okay! Old Mother Hubbard went--"  
  
**demonic laughter can be heard...audience sweat drops once more...~_~()** "What kinda name is Hubbard!?! Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha- haaaaaaaaaa!!!!"  
  
"Give him another dose Malik!" shouted Ryou to the blocked off part of the stage on his left.  
  
"You got it!" replied Malik.  
  
"What're you doing?! HEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!"  
  
"Hm. Alright then! Old Mother Hubbard..." Ryou looked back suspiciously, waiting for another outburst. After a moment he continued. "Went to her cupboard to get her poor dog a bone."  
  
Grudgingly Seto walks over to the shiny brown cupboard, while an even more annoyed Joey doggy followed him, crawling on his hands and feet, like a good widdle doggy should... "Grrrrr...."  
  
"Shaddup mutt!" said Kaiba. **opens cupboard**  
  
"But when she got there, the cupboard was bare. And so the poor dog had none," said Ryou, competing the rhyme.  
  
"Oh too bad. No bone."  
  
"Play your part," whispered Ryou, looking to his left, threateningly.  
  
"Fine then!" shouted Seto. And in a high pitched tone, he said, "Oh too bad! My poor little mutt gets no treat! Boo-hoo! Hoo-boo!"  
  
"Grrrrr.... Who ya callin' a mutt?! And look!" shouted Joey. **opens a secret compartment drawer in the cupboard** "See? Plenty a bones!" **double takes** "B-bones? Whose bones are dese?!" cried Joey, starting to freak out. "WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" **runs away**  
  
"Hm. I was wondering where I'd put those," said Kaiba, rather joyfully, picking out a skull from the drawer. **moves jaw up and down** "Hello," says Kaiba in a weird voice and accent, "I used to work for Mr. Kaiba." "Why yes you did," Kaiba replied back to the skull. He sat down and started to converse with the bones...  
  
"Uh...help? Anyone? Bakura! I've just found someone who's more psychotic than you! Help me someone!" **Ryou runs off the stage, leaving Kaiba to talk to the bones...**  
  
**audience faints** ________________________________________________________  
  
How'd everyone like chapter 3? Hope ya'll enjoyed it! I took Bunny Aino()'s suggestion about Seto and Joey being in Mother Hubbard. Thanks to all my reviewers! Let's see who they are...  
  
Thanks to: Bunny Aino(), Helbaworshipper, Sugar-Kat, Angela, Mysterious Anime Fantom, and anime crazy2!!!!!!!!!! Rinse and Rise peoples! I mean...righteously rude peoples!!! No! What I meant ta say is...read and review! Ha! I got it right! **someone can be heard muttering, "Finally"** I heard that! 


	4. Jack be Nimble

Hello!!! I think that I learn a bit about myself everyday. I learned that I'm annoying! I'm annoying! Yay!!!!! Er...no wait...that's not a good thing.... Huh. I wish I were a helpful person instead of just annoying...it kinda makes me sad to know that I'm annoying...and my mom called me evil...is it my fault that my fingers felt like scratching someone? On second thought...don't answer that. Okie-doke! Here's da disclaimer!  
  
Disclaimer: I am the disclaimer! The claimer of dis! Er...was that mixed up? I tink so! Uh...I don't own Yugioh...I think some Old guy does...yeah...if you are older than fifteen or twenty years old then you are old, with a capital O. If you are older than four or five, then you are old with a lower case o. So I'm old................yeah. And some of the characters may be a tad bit out of character...aw heck, you should already know that if you've read this far.  
  
Chapter...heck if I remember...: Jack be Nimble.  
  
Later, when everyone had been revived from their faint and Seto and his cupboard were removed...  
  
"Thanks to our smelling salt monkey," said Bakura, flexing his arms and fingers, which were just released from their straight jacket... "You are all awake and well to watch as our chimpanzees act out the works of "Mother Goose"...Ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaa!" **bursts into cackling laughter** "Ha-ha! Mother Goose! Ha-ha-haaaaaaaa!!!!"  
  
**shoe comes flying from behind the scenes and hits Bakura on his head** "Ow! That stung! Who threw that?!" shouted Bakura looking to his right.  
  
"I'm not a "smelling salt monkey!" shouted Mokuba as he came onto the stage. "Oh! Hi everyone! I'm the one who revived you all!" **holds up a vial of some vile substance...** "And I'm not a monkey!"  
  
**a monkey comes out on stage** "And I'm not a human!" **looks at human audience** "Whoops...er...I mean, ooh-ooh-ah-ah-haaaa-ahhhhhh!" **runs away**  
  
**Bakura marches toward Mokuba** "Get lost runt!" **grabs his collar and throws him back behind the scenes** "Hm...here! **reaches into pocket to pull out a card** "Go!" **a beast appears and it's a...a...a tiny little hamster called Bubonic vermin?!** "Who put that in my deck?!"  
  
"I did!" **Ryou emerges**  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I thought it suited your personality."  
  
"Go Magical Ghost! Hunt down that pathetic mortal!" screamed Bakura as he summoned it into the real world.  
  
"AAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" **Ryou runs away with the monster hot on his trail**  
  
"Ahem," said Bakura nonchalantly. "This next rhyme is rather short, but I hope you enjoy it." **gives audience another maniacal grin**  
  
**curtains close and then open** **Yami is standing to the rightish of the stage and Pegasus is standing in the center dressed in some bulging white rubberish-looking material...**  
  
"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack jump over the candle--"  
  
"Hold it! One second!" shouted Yami. "Not even Jack could jump over him!" **points to Pegasus who, obviously, must be the candle stick** "That 'candle stick' is taller than me for crying out loud!"  
  
"Well is it my fault that you two got the parts that you have?!"  
  
"Well you are the one who chose Pegasus to be the prop! You could have used an actual candle!"  
  
"What would have been the fun in that?" demanded Bakura, glaring at Yami. "And when I tell you to jump over the damn candle stick," said Bakura as he marched toward Yami. "I mean jump over 'im! Even if I have to force you!" **grabs Yami and throws him at Pegasus** "I said "Jack jump over the candle stick! I didn't tell you to knock him out!"  
  
**Mokuba rushes onto stage and puts the open vial under Pegasus' nose** "You're welcome." **runs away screaming with a tiny gerbil-like creature running after him** "It's the monster of doom I tell ya! It's tryin' to kill me! Wait till my brother hears about this Bakura!"  
  
"Aww...that's my bubonic vermin! Go get 'em! And tear out his eyes too!" said Bakura proudly as he watched the tiny creature run off after Mokuba. "Oh! And Mokuba? While you're at the asylum visiting Kaiba, would you tell 'im I said hello to a fellow psychopath!"  
  
**Ryou comes onto stage with Magical Ghost still floating after him** "I thought you didn't like that thing!"  
  
"I didn't. But then I looked up 'bubonic' and found out it meant some sort of epidemic disease. Anyone would be proud of that nasty little disease carrying rodent!"  
  
"Auuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhh!!" screamed Ryou as the Ghost came at him. "Hey! When did you have time to look that up?!" he said as he ran off stage...  
  
"Don't complicate this!" shouted Bakura.  
  
"Hey!" said Pegasus, holding his wineglass in one hand while the other tried to help him stand up. "Why'd you chose me to be the candle?" he said woozily, clutching his wineglass close to him.  
  
"Are you drunk?" demanded Bakura.  
  
"Oh no no no no! Of course not! *hic* It's fruit juice! Really!" said Pegasus as he wobbled as he stood.  
  
"Either you're lying and got hold of some alcohol, or you really have a problem if fruit juice can do that to you." said Bakura, snatching the glass away from Pegasus and throwing it out...(at the audience... "hey!" "watch it!" "it is fruit juice!" "no, it's alcohol!" "shut up!" "no! you shut up!"...)  
  
"Hey, *hic*! Answer me! Why'd *hic* you choose me as the *hic* candle?!"  
  
"Why'd I choose you? Well, that's simple," said Bakura, smiling evilly as he grabbed a lighter from his back pocket. "I thought your hair would be most flammable." **sets Pegasus' hair on fire...**  
  
"Heh-heh...look's like I was right!" **bursts into maniacal laughter as Pegasus runs around in circles and audience sweat drops and stares...O.O()**  
  
"Yami!" shouted Bakura, looking around for the ex-pharoh. "It's time to properly jump over the candle!" **looks around** "Yami?" **goes behind the scenes** "Yaaaaaaamiiiii! Oh! There you are!"  
  
**Pegasus has just run out of the building...**  
  
"Hey! What are you doing with that plug?! Yami, if you pull it out that way, you'll get shocked!"  
  
"I need to fix my hair! Get away Ryou! You'll get hurt!"  
  
"Let him get shocked! Come on Ryou! Get away from him and let him shock himself! It's his fauuuuuuuuuullltttttt!"  
  
**lights flicker**  
  
"Shut up! Ow...hey! What are you all laughing at?! I'm not going back out on stage until you tell me what's so fun-neh--" **Bakura re- emerges** "Aherm. Due to some character's difficulties...What?! What the hell are you all staring at?!"  
  
**Serenity comes out onto stage** "Bakura! What happened to your hair? Am I seeing things? Are these the side-effects from the operation? Dammit! I'm gonna sue that doctor!" **rushes off stage...probably to sue the doctor...**  
  
**audience points and stares** "What?!" screamed an enraged Bakura.  
  
"Here..." said Mai coming onto the stage. "I think you'll want to see for yourself." **hands Bakura a compact mirror and then runs off stage stifling laughter**  
  
"Oh my--" Bakura's hair was still spiky, but instead of the white color it normally was, it was now as tri-colored as Yami's..........so that is how Yami got his hair to stay that way!..."Yami! Ryou! I'm gonna killllllllll youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _______________________________________________  
  
There's...er...what number is this chapter? Well that's it for this chapter! Tune in next time for...ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum...the next chapter! Yeah...hope ya'll enjoyed this chappie! I dunno if it was as humorous as the last chapters though.....heh-heh.... 


End file.
